This mornings read was on reservations. I think this year pushed me past those thoughts, loss and more loss even death and I’m still here.
That said I know how my addict thinks. It can get pretty full of itself you know еstimate “see we can handle anything clean” ” get maybe we are not an addict anymore “! Hahaa I love her she never stops trying! Why because it’s my addicts job to make me feel better when I feel bad or that I need ” a little help”.
However I was just praying some deep gratitude this morning that in spite of all the angry rants to my higher power this year for taking it’s sweet time in catching our assailants and almost losing everything it had another purpose for it all I know; but yes I shook my fist delved deep in self pity and fear and had crazy thoughts. Yet I have not acted on them.
Why?  Because of this program I have even said a few times I’m done with all this praying stuff the meetings and so on but I kept going back and guess what. I’m still clean another day! One at a time I make it through. Made it through some very hurtful days and yet here I am a little beat up but I’m still happy and that’s really a miracle. I know that what I have inside that little light of hope that recovery brought has not gone out I keep showing up. I try to be an example that it is possible no matter what to stay clean. My sponsor said the other day even she reminds herself herself that her selfworth is not defined by her credit score!! I had to laugh because I can get so caught up in all I worked to build being destroyed in as little as six months but it can be rebuilt as it has before again. It’s just stuff. I look out at the view and I know it’s all going to be ok. As long as I follow this way. I have nothing to fear. Today is a good day. Keep coming back it really really works! Have a beautiful day!

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